The idea of Marian's death keeps smacking me upside the head. I just can't quite swallow it. Spoke with a lot of people. Gathered a lot of loose ends.  Moved through the day very slowly. No soccer today. Jake to allergist in afternoon. Wake in the evening. Standing by the open casket, I was overwhelmed with the feeling of having failed her. The desire to apologize for not having saved her. I cannot believe she is gone.